Review: 10,000 B.C.

Wow. You know how much I love movies, be it drama, action or comedy, I love movies for what they are. If it was a 4-hour long drama about ‘An English Patient’ or the film-o-graphy of ‘The Queen’, I still watch and love them for its unique qualities as a film. These mentioned movies share a place in my DVD collection with the likes of other movies like ‘Godzilla’, ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ and ‘Superbad’. Yes, my taste in film is that wide and random. ‘Cause I love them for what they are. So then comes a pop-corn movie like ‘10,000BC’, accompanied by directors and producers that brought us coolness like ‘ID4’ and ‘Godzilla’ (yes, ‘Godzilla’. C’mon admit it, there are some scenes in there that was kick-ass cool). So, after wetting our taste-buds with nicely made trailers with primitively clad tribal chicks in them, what could possibly go wrong with ’10,000BC’?

Well, every damn thing in fact. Even when the first few lines were mustered by the actors, the shit already hit the fan. The acting is so bad, it makes an sword-wielding Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson in the ‘Scorpion King’ look like Tom Hanks by comparison. And why the heck are the characters in the movie speaking not only fluent English, but also with foreign accents??!! You can fool us with the English bit but c’mon, these are tribes of people that are obviously set 10,000BC in time. So why suddenly one guy speaks in a German accent, and moments later another gal has a British accent and beside her, a guy is a freakin’ Mexican??!! As the movie went on, I was honestly expecting ‘Ali G’ to pop in too.

Well, yes, we didn’t come to see the characters talk. Talk is just fillers of non-action gaps in a pop-corn movie. So let’s get into the action. The effects in indeed very impressive, and at times the ‘wow’ factor in certainly there; from the man-hunting ostriches to the gargantuan mammoths, the effects can rival any summer blockbuster anyone has seen thus far. But that’s the furthest I can go in my praises for this movie.

No matter how good the effects were, the one thing that dragged the whole movie from tolerable levels into absolute quagmire of shit is its plot. Yes, again, this is a pop-corn movie so I always have very low levels of expectations when it comes to the plot. But this time around, it was unbearable to the point of tears. It is so shallow, a mere 4-year old kid would have done better. It takes a stupendous film to surpass the dumbness of the ‘Scorpion King’, but this one rules the roost of shallowness beyond belief.

I guess you have gathered by now how crap and shitty this movie is. If you like to see lovely and sweetly rendered computer graphics on the big cinema screen, then this movie will certainly rock your boat. But you if like to see lovely and sweetly rendered computer graphics on the cinema screen WITH some sort of plot to at least make it FEEL like a movie then do not even come close to this piece of mess even if you got a 10-yard pole stick stuck in between you and this junk. Be warned, the tribal man has spoken.

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