Bauer Power

Thanks to my couzie from swedie (Sweden, that is) I got to read some of the funniest facts about Jack Bauer. He is of course, THE bad-ass of television at the moment, doing bad for the sake of good, kickin’ terrorist ass on TV sets for the series called ’24’.

If you don’t have a stinkin’ ball’s idea of who he is, let me enlighten you. He is a key member from a Government Organization called CTU or ‘Counter Terrorist Unit’ and he has helped to deter major terrorist attacks on the United States, its civilians & its government hotshots. He goes great lengths to get his job done, until to the point of being a target himself as well as his loved ones numerous times. “Great lengths” does not do justice to what he will do to get what he wants and to achieve his primary objective; he is super-bad and will be super-badder is he needs to.

I mean, how bad is this Jack bad-ass? Let me explain: once a terrorist killed himself so that Jack Bauer can’t torture him. Jack just laughed, brought him back to life, and proceeded to torture him. And he is still laughing. God, I love him. In fact, I love him so much, my girlfriend accidentally shouted “Jack” while we were in bed and it made me finish too early. I call it "Premature Jack Elation"…
If you still don’t know who he is or what the heck is he about, well, it’s goddamn time you knew, couse Jack WOULD want you to know. Read on and know your Jack shit right here:


Jack Bauer killed the first six 00 agents.

On Sunday mornings, Jack skips church. God comes to his house instead.

Jesus wasn't crucified by the Romans. He had information that Jack Bauer needed.

When British American Tobacco claimed that cigarettes didn't cause cancer in test subjects, their test subjects were all Jack Bauer.

When Jack Bauer enters a church, the chior stops what they're doing and sings "Hallelujah." Every time.

In Poker, Jack Bauer doesn't need to bluff. He looks at an opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.

"The valley of the shadow of death", refers to anywhere within a 25 mile radius of Jack Bauer.

When God cries, it rains. When Jack Bauer cries, acid falls from the sky.

Jack Bauer was once at a club and was asked if he could break dance. Minutes later the dance floor was littered with broken bodies.

USC's football team hasn't lost a home game since Jack Bauer killed a team of terrorists at the L.A. Coliseum. This has nothing to do with USC's football team; visiting teams are just afraid that Jack Bauer is still there.

Backup calls for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once burned an Ashlee Simpson CD. He didn't copy it; he just lit that shit on fire.

The safety on Jack's gun isn't there to protect Jack. It's there to protect the gun.

Jack Bauer carries a hospital around with him at all times, it is the size of a 9mm bullet.

Jack Bauer can type 90 words per minute. On his cell phone.

Jack Bauer doesn't use soft toilet paper. He does't use rough toilet paper. He uses sandpaper.

Pi runs on forever in fear of Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer's cock has been cast to play the snake in Anaconda 3.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unless the bird is in Jack Bauer's hand. Then that fucking bird is dead.

Why does Jack Bauer run through firefights standing completely erect? Because God will not let his greatest creation die...Jack Bauer knows this.

Jack Bauer is the only government employee that has the 24 hours on and two years off work schedule.

Someone created the Jack Bauer diet but most people couldn't stomach that many nails and pieces of wraught iron.

When the US Army discovered Saddam Hussien, it was only because Jack Bauer finally told them where he had been torturing Saddam for five years.

When asked what he most enjoys about his work, Jack Bauer responded, "There's nothing like stabbing a terrorist in the chest and watching him writhe around in pain, looking into his eyes knowing that my face is the last thing he'll ever see alive. I feel as if I'm devouring his soul. As he's inhaling his last breath, sometimes I like to whisper into his ear that I just nailed his wife, even if I hadn't, but I usually had. Then after he dies I'll go back to his house and nail his wife, just to be sure. After all, I'm just doing my job."

Jack Bauer never takes a piss, because his urine is afraid to come out.

Jack trained for nine years with monk blackbelts to learn how to talk on three cell phones with extreme intensity at the same time.

Jack Bauer was once allergic to the animal known as the Dodo Bird. Long story short, the Dodo bird is now extinct.

Jack Bauer can take two years off from CTU and still remember all his access codes, because they know better than to change them while he's gone.

Jack Bauer's car number plate reads: IKIL4CTU.

In the summertime, Jack Bauer shoots his own hands and fills up bags with his blood. He then hangs those bags up around the porch to keep mosquitoes away from him and his guests.

The Hulk wouldn't like Jack Bauer when he's angry.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.

Jack Bauer is uncircumcised. Baby Jack stabbed the doctor in the neck for daring to come near his penis.

Jack Bauer has received a grand total of $1.3 million from the tooth fairy.

Why negotiate with terrorists when you can send Jack Bauer after them?

Jack Bauer doesn't buy plane tickets. He stows away in the cargo hold, sneaks into first class, knocks out the air marshall, steals his gun and then get the pilot to take him where ever he wants.

Jack Bauer doesn't kill terrorists. The terrorists actually die from fear of being killed by Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer could easily stop terrorists from the minute he gets the call. He just decides to give them 24 hours from the goodness of his heart.

When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.

Jack Bauer does not get revenge, he is revenge itself.

Jack Bauer once played the game where he had to guess which of three cups a ball was under. The ball promptly surrendered before he could speak.

The only true defense against Jack Bauer is a mirror.

Jack Bauer can eat steak with a straw.

How badass is Jack Bauer? He eats ribs for dinner. His OWN ribs.

Jack Bauer's swimming pool is called the Bermuda Triangle. ‘Cause nobody gets the fuck alive.

By Season 8 of 24, Jack Bauer will have taken more human lives than he has saved. Whoever's left will throw a party to commemorate the occasion.

When Jack Bauer hears a police siren, he doesn't pull over. The cop does, and lets Jack Bauer handle it.

In God we trust , but God trusts Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer has killed more people than Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. And he did it in 24 hours.

Chuck Norris wears a beard to hide the scar Jack Bauer gave him.

Jack Bauer once downloaded the entire Internet onto his PDA.

Jack Bauer's cell phone ring is not set to 'vibrate' on purpose.Letting the terrorists know where he is hiding is all part of his bigger plan.

Barbie dumped Ken for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer doesn't use toilet paper. He uses terrorists.

Jack Bauer only needs one page to solve the Da Vinci Code, not 454.

While most children were playing Cops and Robbers, Jack Bauer was playing Jack Bauer and Robbers. Those kids are still in jail today.

Jack Bauer fought Cancer. Now it's safe to smoke.

Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.

When CTU didn't have a hacksaw per his request, Jack used his teeth to cut through the spinal cord of a suspect.

Jack Bauer never shaves; he shoots himself in the face every morning so his facial hair doesn't get the wrong idea.

When Jack Bauer calls the Prime Minister of Malaysia, Jack puts him on hold.

The devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer is so busy and skilled, he shits standing up.

Jack never played hide and seek as a child. Instead he played seek and afflict pain on whoever he needed to in order to get the information he wanted. Jack still enjoys rousing rounds of this game and remains undefeated.

Keifer Sutherland smokes cigarettes. Jack Bauer smokes terrorists.

Before having sex with Jack Bauer, women must undergo a grueling 12 month training process.

If Jack Bauer asks to have just 5 minutes with you, run.

And finally, if Jack Bauer ever tells you to “trust me”, run faster.

Yup, that's Jack frekain' Bauer. I was surfin' the net and found some nice pictures of lovely Jack. I've added my personal commentary to these pictures for your added enjoyment:

Jack with some toilet trouble.

He’s always fair. Jack to terrorist: “ I’ll give you a half hour head start on that car of yours. I’ll catch up with this bike.” And he did.

Jesus to Jack: “I think you should take it easy with the body-count, Jack.”
Jack to Jesus: “What?! What’s your primary objective?! Gimme 5 minutes and I’ll get up there and smack you with this phone!!!”

Jack's just making sure you have a good hair cut.

Never piss off Jack.

I told you so.

Jack's torture of choice.

Jack’s School of Anti-Terrorism Excellence. Students get shot for getting ‘A minus’.

Companies should implement this across the nation.

Bauer at birth. His first kill…

“Ah, not you Jack Bauer.”

Prey damn hard it’s not Jack Bauer coming to get you.

I’ll vote for him if I were you. ‘Cause he WILL know where you’ll live.

Display these signs with pride.

"Who the mother-f**k is Jack Bauer??!!"

Haha, i've loads more but sorry to say i've ran out of spare time. 'Till next time !!! But remember, Jack's out there, he's watching, he's waiting, he's ready to strike coz he's simply Jack freakin' Bauer. Respect.

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