The Teh Tarik Monologues, Part 1

Me, Zach and Jerry was driving back from KL last weekend, and we were stuck in a massive rain storm (and I mean massive, can't see a cun chick from 4 yards out if I wanted to). In order to avoid all the floods, jams, drenched cows, crazy rushing motorists etc, we stopped by a mamak stall nearby Solaris Mount Kiara and took a few sips of teh tarik to wait for the rain to subside. During the warm sippings, our mouths got a wee bit loose and some interesting questions popped out.

And the topic of conversation was, ME.

Here's something to share. Conversation recorded using Zach's handphone and transfered in writing my 'muah'.

Zach: Question: If one of your friend or friends says to you one day that he’s gay, what’s your reaction?

Ray: You gay kah??!! I knew it…

Z: &&*$#%@^%$!!! (plus some Hokkien flower power bad words too).

R: Hhhahaha. Well, if he’s gay, then gay lo. If I can be friends with him before, then why not now after I know he’s gay? Why would his sexuality change anything leh? I got a lot gay friends anyway….

Z: Really ah? A lot?

R: Yalor. One of them is you lor.

Z: &&*$#%@^%$!!! (plus Double the Hokkien flower power bad words).

R: Hahaha, really lah. I still hang out with them.

Jerry: I know a few gay people also. But I don’t really hang out with them. They never friend me also haha.

R: Actually I knew one when I started working in ********* after graduation. That time Friendster was very popular and people always post things there like “finding new job” etc, and this guy was finding a job. Then I just play play and asked him to try-out my company. Weeks after that he joined lor. We shared the same working hours selling electronic stuff for the company. We become quite good friends, and he was the one that introduced me to the “world of gayness” (haha). He was the one that intro me to other gay people, took me to gay bars, gay discos, all those lah. Call them PLU la, G la, Bi la, versatile la, they are all friends in the end.

J: Ooooh. He got intro you to gay sex ah?

R: &&*$#%@^%$!!! (plus Cantonese flower power bad words).

Z: They are so ‘na’ leh!! (so feminine/so sotong/etc)

R: Not all of the so sotong lah. Got straight types, meaning outside look and act like guy but inside likes guys one haha. Then got the feminine ones lah, then got transvestites lah, so many lah.

Z: And all you met before, hang out with them before?

R: All lah. Hahaha. Most of them are nice and friendly people lah. You know some of them even gave me a bottle of fragrance for my birthday. It was Giorgio Armani Aqua Di Gio. Still of my favorite fragrances ever haha.

Z and J: HHHMMMMMMM. Give you perfume?? INTERESTING haha...

R: Shaddup lah.

J: Seriously, did any of them ask you to be their partners?

R: *Pause*. Yes. a few times.

Z: A few times by the same guy??

R: Different guy lahh.

J: And then? You said yes?

R: Your head lahh.

Z: And then??

R: Just politely say no lahh

Z: That's it??

R: That's it lo. But it happened quite along time ago la...

Z: So, anyway, another question lah. Who are the 5 people you want to meet before you die? Besides family la, make it more interesting…

R: Wahlau. I think for me, First to meet is Barrack Obama. I love that guy. I think he’s the first president since the 1st president hahaha. Secondly, Michael Jackson, to see if he really is dead anot. Thirdly, Paris Hilton, to see if her head is really so hollow. Fourth, Homer Simpson, coz he is the coolest dad in the whole world. And lastly, Pamela Anderson, just to squeeze those tootsies to see if it qualifies as the 9th wonder of this world.

Z & J: OMIGODD!!!

J: Name 5 things you want to bring with you if you ever get stuck on an deserted island.

R: Of course a lot of food and water lahh!!! Besides that, one of them would be a solar powered PS3 Hahaha. Secondly, alot of suntan lotion? Haha. Then, of course a lot of popcorn, coz it would just pop from under the hot sun and at night can enjoy it under the stars haha. Then, I would bring along Jim Carrey coz he will make me laugh all the time!!!

J: Would you be a girl for a day or more??

R: Yes I will haha. Shiok ma, u know hahahaha….

Z: Aiyerrrrr!!!

Z: Your favorite things you always do…

J: This question so easy lahhh!!!

R: Hahaha okok, I’ll name 5. Going for movies, coffee, shopping, eating, I mean not just eating but going out to eat new and good stuff, photography and sex hahahah.

J: That’s 6!!!

R: Oklah, forgot about sex haha

R: Here’s a weird question for you. Is it rude for a deaf person to talk with handsign while their mouth is full of food?

J and Z: *Silence*

R: Forget about that question haha

J: Do prison buses have emergency exits? Hahaha

R: Omigoddd

Z: If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?

J: Wahhhlaaooo

R: I think soo lahh!! Hahaha

Z: So Ray, if your wife one day asks you for a divorce coz she turned a lesbian, what would you think and say??

R: Hhahahaa. If she turned a lesbian then I’m really doing something wrong in bed right??! Hahaha

Z: Tooo much infooooo

J: Next question pleasssee….

Z: Okla, here’s a serious question for you. Assume you are not married, and also not even with your gal at the moment. You are single. Would you have chosen anyone else, and how would that affect your life?

R: WAAAAHH. Super deep question leh. Well, I would not know what or how my life will be if I’m with another person. But I can tell you now that I have no regrets over who I with now (J and Z goes WHHHOOAAAAA!!!!). But I’m not sure if that person I’m with now got any regrets anot hahahah.

To Be Continued....